the puzzle pieces are finally beginning to come together.
the uneasiness i used to feel about who i was,
and what i wanted out of this life has begun to disappear.
and i don’t miss it.
…it’s transformed into this thing that overwhelms
my heart + soul in a way i’ve never known.
maybe it’s being engaged to marty + dreaming up
what the next 60 + years are going to look like.
maybe it’s because Love is a Big Deal came
into my life at just the right time.
…teaching me to put value on myself.
…reminding me that it’s okay to love what i do,
and to take steps to always keep it that way.
this workshop changed me completely,
personally + professionally.
it was the best investment i have ever made in
my life, and for BAMphoto.
i feel like i went there crying on the inside because
people weren’t getting it, they weren’t seeing what i was
seeing. i felt like a ticking time bomb, wanting to crawl out
of my skin. wishing to start over completely so that i
wouldn’t have the old me + the old work following me.
…but, i left there feeling like i recognized who i was,
and knew exactly how to convey that. how to live that.
i could see exactly how i wanted my photos to make people feel,
and knew how i was going to come home and change it.
…so strongly that i was on amazon in the middle of the night
selling my camera and buying one more suitable for
my creativity. a tool that i just knew would be able
to bring these images to life exactly how i see them in my head.
…and that gut feeling was right!
on our first day together, we talked about everything…
but then josh + meg said the words “starting over,” and the tears began
streaming down my face and eventually i was a hot mess, you guys.
those words terrified me, but they were also music to my ears.
…and everything that these two poured out of their hearts
and into ours not only applied to our businesses, they applied to our lives too.
when i think about it now, sadly, i felt like i was needing permission to change.
but i know now that i don’t. thank god.
now that i’m on the other side of it, seeing it from this view,
i can’t imagine another day in the mindset i once had for far too long.
and now that i’m in this place, i want to figure out why
i was so cruel to me. why did i expect anyone to respect
what i do if i didn’t give myself that respect?
ughhh, i could go on for days…
right now, i haven’t stopped thinking about the wedding
in the midst of all that deep stuff since i wrote about
[did you see our ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS?]
what INSANITY planning a wedding is.
don’t get me wrong, i may complain about it, but i
actually love it a lot! we have some really stellar ideas
flowing and i am loving the direction it’s taken, but i really
hate that we have to spend money to make it happen.
we want a house damn it.
so how do you have a wedding for under $10k, because any
more than that and i would have a heart attack, without eloping?
…the typical response being, “let me know when you figure it out!”
come hell or high water, we will make it happen.
we will have the most beautiful naked wedding
in the world.
we went to a friends house the other day that just blew us away.
shots were being taken, cigarettes were being smoked, and marty
and i were browsing the house making mental notes
about what we loved about the house, and we haven’t stopped
talking about it since. everywhere we go “omg, this would be so perfect…”
it’s clear that a house has taken priority.
we’ll get married. we’ll get a house.
oh, but first we’ll get our puppy…ahhhh!
we will be parents to a black german shepherd this october!
this is all so exciting! see what i mean?
man, to think i wasn’t seeing this, feeling this or recognizing
this before makes me cringe…
i’ll reel in this post by saying THANK YOU.
to josh + meg…
for opening your hearts + home to us, for changing us, for
opening up our minds and setting us free from
our own fears.
to my friends, family + BAMfam for getting me to nashville,
for recognizing how much i needed it and how much
it would help me. i am forever grateful to each and
every one of you for gifting me this opportunity to be better.
…oh, and a big thanks to everyone who has been offering
their help with the wedding, or getting in front of my camera so
i can hone in on this little dream of mine…