confessions of a girl who thinks too much…


our engagement photos are tomorrow.


i’m nervous, but i think that’s because i spend 99% of the time
behind the camera photographing my beautiful people.

all of my girly doubts are coming to the surface.
will i look okay in that dress?
my self given pedicure looks like my niece used my
toes as a coloring book. seriously. ask marty.
will i be having a good hair day tomorrow?
will i be squinty in all the photos when i smile?

i guess the other thing is something i’ve been
going through personally the past few weeks,
and that’s simply that i feel like i’m not ME right now.
i feel like i’m in a transition period and haven’t quite
grown into myself just yet.
i spend so much time trying to come into who i am as
a photographer that i always forget to take the time to focus
on who i am outside of BAMphoto.
sometimes, it’s like my insides and outsides don’t match.
i can’t really explain it. yet.
now marty says to me, “do your outsides match your insides?”
i love him for it, too.

i see the wife i want to be,
the mother i want to be,
the friend i want to be,
the daughter/sister/aunt/etc i want to be,
but i’m a little scared to be completely honest.
it’s like being the new girl in school all over again.
how do you just show up in life as this changed person?
you just do it, right?
uh huh, easier said than done…

the saving grace is that the pimple i got a few days ago
was gone when i woke up this morning…

if it weren’t for the insane talent of our photographers,
[ jennifer moher + hugh whitaker ]
i’d probably be breaking out in hives over this.

yeah, f’real.
…marty + i were running errands the other day, just enjoying
the summer day and all of the sudden my entire upper body
broke out into hives.
sweet baby jesus, don’t let this happen to me tomorrow...

the second part of our engagement photos is going to
rock  my world to the core…
when jenn asked me about who marty and i were and what
we like to do, i couldn’t help but laugh because we are
a little bit of everything.
but the biggest part of who we are, is all wrapped up in
our friends. they keep us grounded, they keep our lives
interesting, and when shit hits the fan…they serve as reminders
to us about what’s truly important.
so, we’ll be having a little BBQ with these people.
doing what we do…
eatin’ good.
drinkin’ some brews.
and having ridiculously inappropriate conversations,
per the norm.

THAT, i cannot wait for.

so tomorrow, i plan to just love on marty + kiss him like crazy.
wear what i wanna wear and try not to give a single _ _ _ _
if my hair looks terrible,
…because really, all that hoopla has absolutely nothing
to do with who we are, or why we’ve decided that
forever is all we want together.

i always get the answer at the very end of
whatever i write…




One thought on “confessions of a girl who thinks too much…

  1. When reading your posts, I love so much that you are relatable. Don’t ever feel embarrassed or fearful of changing as a person. the only people who should feel that way, are the people who aren’t evolving and changing. You let your experiences in life on all levels change who you are, and you should! That’s what life is. I feel like a new person everytime I finish a book or take a photograph outside of my comfort zone.

    Thank you, as always, for your honesty and for sharing these little pieces of you along the way. (If only these posts came more often!!! cough, cough!)

    If I weren’t living across the US of A, we’d be besties. But for now, we can be instagram, wordpress + FB besties.

    You have a beautiful soul, never forget it.

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