i’ve obviously not kept up with one of my resolutions,
which was blogging regularly…
i don’t want to just blog about anything anymore.
at least not all the time.
mundane things have their moments to shine…
i’ve been feeling
and learning a lot.
in all the craziness with moving back to the mitten,
traveling for work, booking weddings and sessions,
trying to catch up with friends,
and trying to get a social life, i have found time
at night to really hone in on what’s been stirring around inside of me.
my iPhone has reached its capacity with little notes
i make of things to write about. things i want to remember.
on april 12th, i was sitting on the couch and was thinking
about the wedding i shot in jamaica, and i started
thinking about being disconnected via my phone for five days,
and remembering how i felt when i called marty at 7am
as soon as the boat docked back in miami.
…the intensity i felt waiting for him to pick up the phone,
maybe i even started to feel it as i was scrolling to his name.
it was instant.
it’s even hard to describe it because it was THAT intense.
[and you know i love describing things!]
…my heart was racing waiting to hear his voice,
and then the ringing stopped, and in his playful + warm voice he said,
“….my love,” and my heart skipped a beat.
remember when i blogged awhile back about that feeling
of falling in love with him all over again? i had no idea when
or even if that fleeting moment would hit me again.
and it was quite awesome.
and now i am a firm believer that those moments are
what keeps marriages alive + thriving. i don’t think it’s the
only thing, but i think it’s a pretty large part of it.
it must be, right? it’s so freaking great, how could it not be?
i believe those moments carry us to the next moments.
they carry us THROUGH the not-so-great moments.
like i said, it may not be the only thing, but at least
for me, it’s something. a big something.
this, coupled with a day spent with my brookey, got me
thinking about how my mindset has completely changed
in the past couple months.
my thoughts are no longer consumed with saturday
night plans, or cute outfits i want to wear out on thursday.
my mind is consumed with things that at one point,
i wasn’t so sure would be in the cards for me.
things like marriage + how to keep it strong and alive,
children + when to have them, and what kind of mother i want to be,
and how to convince marty that 4 kids isn’t too many.
how to create this simple life for us that is comfortable and
allows us to live, travel, vacation, be healthy and stable.
thoughts about what kind of wedding we want and who
we truly want to be surrounding us on that day.
our future home + what it will look like.
what kind of adventures will we go on?
what kind of relationship i want our kids to have
with our parents + siblings…
but really, motherhood on the brain is the thing that really
makes me stop dead in my tracks with my jaw to the floor.
who kidnapped britt?
i think about wanting to be the best mom in the world.
…and not in an unrealistic way. i know i’ll make mistakes
and someday my kids will be upset with me or even think
that they hate me.
…what i mean by being the best mom in the world looks
making out with marty in the kitchen while getting kabobs
and corn ready for grilling while the kids are playing
outside in the backyard with our german shepherd.
holding hands. bedtime stories.
sunday mornings in our bed, fresh air.
Smorgasbords and Christmas mornings.
picnics and our kids growing up with our
our kids having a good example for healthy relationships
through watching us be in love.
thinking about how i want them to excel in school and being
active in their learning so that i know if they need extra help.
school was always unpleasant for me. always.
i don’t want my kids to feel that way.
you name it, i’ve thought about it.
it’s ridiculous. and even though at times i think to
myself that i must be totally losing my mind, i am happy to be thinking
of these things. relieved, really. i may not always
make the right choices, but i trust that these thoughts
are a good place to start.
yeah, like i said…lots of thoughts.
are you still with me?
the other thing, is much more difficult for me to articulate so
please bear with me…
i get love everyday it seems from friends, family + strangers
for the photographs they see me post.
it’s the driving force in what i do. i love nothing more
than for people to connect to an image that they see.
but last week, i got an email from a photographer that i admire,
that said “…i strive to take photos like yours and to have
a business like yours.”
i want what YOU have going on! how could
you possibly strive for what i have??
to hear someone say that, was surreal.
especially since i believe that there are so many things
that i still need to learn.
it makes me wonder, in my sea of criticism, two things:
1. maybe i’m not as much of a hot mess that i think i am.
[okay, let’s be serious…i’m still a hot mess]
but marty said something to me the other day that stuck,
he said that people probably wonder how i do it,
just the same as i wonder how they do it. no one on the outside
of BAMphoto really knows or sees the chaos behind it’s existence.
so now, everytime i find myself comparing my work or business to others,
i wonder if they are doing the exact same thing.
maybe all of us creatives who truly want to change this industry
are all feeling the same things. maybe we’re all a mess.
2. it reminded me to remind myself how rewarding this business is.
running a business is hard. really hard.
but it’s insanely rewarding.
…from the ground, up it’s been go go go.
i’ve shed gallons of tears, freaked out more times than i can
count, wanted to close up shop, didn’t feel worthy, etc.
…and then there are days like yesterday that come along,
when you finally saved up enough money for your second
big investment and you click “complete purchase,” and BAM!
your first brand spankin’ new camera will be on your
doorstep. in your hands. giving you another tool
to document these love stories that pause time in people’s lives
and give them a way to keep those feelings alive for generations.
i wish i could make these kinds of investments more frequently,
even more extravagantly at times. but then i wonder
if it would be as meaningful. and for me, it probably wouldn’t.
the sheer fact that i set a goal + reached that goal carries its
weight in gold.
it feels the same as those fleeting moments with marty.
…they don’t happen every single day, but everytime i fall in love again,
and everytime i reach a goal, it carries me to the next.
to me, these feelings are everything…
wow, i don’t know about you, but i feel like a huge weight
has been lifted. if i don’t get this kind of stuff out of my
head and into writing of some kind, i swear i’d combust.
alright alright, i think i’ve said enough for today.
i will hopefully be having an in-home interview with
the Big Brother Big Sister program in the next couple
weeks + we still have boxes that haven’t been unpacked.
after all the horrific things happening in this country as
of lately, i am really feeling a pull to talk less about what
needs to change, and just simply being the change.
facebook statuses + tweets won’t make this world
a prettier place for future generations. but being a leader
and good do-er in our communities can.
i’m pretty stoked to commit to something so large + powerful.
…as long as they’ll have me, of course!
oh, and i just have to add in that marty + i are getting
photographed professionally by my dear friend Robin
who is the creative genius behind Once Upon a Memory Photography.
i met Robin about 6 or 7 years ago when i was working
as a photographer’s assistant in a studio.
since then, she has been one of the photographers that i have
admired, looked up to and who actually inspired
me to start BAMphoto. her attention to detail, her skill
with a camera and her natural sense of creativity
amazes me every single day.
it’s going to be so incredible to be photographed by her
in this stylized shoot on monday. we are going to
do the photos at a carnival at night. her vision is a modern
twist The Notebook.
needless to say, i am ecstatic + will be so incredibly honored
to finally be in front of her camera.