what the hell am i doing here + how do i get to where i’m going?


“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even
travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.
And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it.
You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”

i had a conversation with myself last night.
and it was as weird as it sounds.
but also very beautiful. and necessary.
judge me all you want, but if you can’t have a real
and honest conversation with yourself + about yourself,
…then what the hell are you doing?
why aren’t you challenging yourself?

this generally occurs every evening for me.
tv is off. marty is snoozing. phone is within
reach so that i can jot down any necessary-to-remember notes.

we are all evolving. every second of the day, we
are changing and transforming.
sometimes, the changes aren’t noticeable.
other times, i feel it. i see it.
i currently feel as though i’m teeter-tottering
the line of two different lifestyles.
one part of me still wants to eat junk food
without a care and stay up until 2am every night.
another part of me wants to jump on this “green smoothie”
craze + begin the detox of my old life.

we were driving in the car last night and i was
trying to explain to marty what this felt like,
and all i could come up with after much rambling was,
“babe, i’m like wanting to start nesting and shit.”
…we had a good laugh.

and this truly is not my plea for marriage + babies.
this is about me. and what i am wanting.
…i want to sit at a table with my best friends and
have meaningful conversations.
i want to make dinner for the people i love on a saturday night.
i want to plan vacations or mini weekend adventures.
i want to see the boys i love settle down + be happy.
i want to be a wonderful aunt to my nieces + nephew.
i want to make my parents proud by working hard every single day
until every single dream i have comes true.
i want to show marty that i am going to be a
wonderful wife + mother.
i want to send more thank you cards + snail mail.
i want to have a savings acct that is dedicated to the home where
we’ll raise our children.
i want to ask papa hueter to help us design that home.
i want to get healthy in every regard.
i want to photograph only the things + people that move me.

we all thought and said that my 27th year was going
to be my year. THE year. the year that
changes my life. and in some ways,
everyone was right. my life has changed immensely
in small ways. realizations about myself, my habits,
my flaws.
my strengths.

but 28.
that’s the one i’m anticipating.
i’m going to let go of the reins a little bit.
live a little more.
love a lot more.
i’m going to give a few less shits about trivial things.
be less argumentative.
i’m going to give myself more space to
articulate the things i feel + stop rushing.

what’s the hurry, b?




2 thoughts on “what the hell am i doing here + how do i get to where i’m going?

  1. I’m terrified too, of the unknown future, so I’m revisiting my past (through my memories), to find myself again. Love where this post took me. Let’s get there together. :)

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