somewhere between a nervous breakdown + the happiest time of my life

i am quickly learning that even when things
are so nuts that you think it can’t go anywhere but up from there…
it can. it can keep getting nuts.
…sometimes i fear that i’m even thriving off the insanity.
the good days are amazeballs.
the bad days break me, but i get thicker skin.
of course, i only realize that i’m gaining strength after i’ve sobbed
and cried in my bowl of delicious corn pops.

i haven’t been here in awhile.
i’ve been working like a dog.
i have financial security issues + an obsessive need to give
everyone on the planet photographs so i feel like i booked
jobs in survival mode. trying to prevent any moment
of financial distress. i booked jobs as if there were
40 hours in a day. i’ve been given no choice but to become a real life
super woman. thick skin, baby.

two weeks ago i spent 4 incredible days in
san francisco that changed my life.
it was just as beautiful as i remembered it being when i was little.
being reunited with my oldest and bestest friend in the city
where we met was wonderful. and she gave me my space
to do as i pleased, completely understanding that i needed some
serious down time and britt time.
by day, i walked. and walked and walked.
and ate. a lot.
i went to see Cindy Sherman’s show at the
San Francisco MoMA. i studied her throughout
my time at SAIC. i was obsessed with her actually.
go! look at her work! because of her, i no longer just sit and
watch movies. i sometimes pause at a scene and think of how i’d
like to recreate that scene for a photograph because it
was so moving and raw.
it was an incredible day. i got to spend the early morning with
the likes of
paul strand
man ray
edward weston
walead beshty
aaron siskand
…and of course, a little ansel adams.

i was incredibly inspired.
and the first thing i like to do upon being inspired is EAT!
i ate everything.
i had the best chinese of my life.
and i ate alone.
it was interesting.
but it was nice. i was able to just sit and eat and think.
i ordered enough food for a family of 12.
{don’t worry, i had it wrapped up and gave it to a couple
homeless people along the way.}

i caught buses, tripped and nearly fell down
one of the most intensely steep streets i’d ever seen.
ps: it’s harder to go down the street than it is to go up.
one wrong move and you’re a goner.
i had too much coffee.
too many desserts.
fell in love with chrissy all over again.
then i fell in love with her friends.
met up with an old friend from Ann Arbor who was
living in Oakland.
crossed the Bay Bridge.
photographed the Golden Gate bridge.
met two men on the street who gifted me with a hand painted  owl.
got a new tattoo.
took far too  many polaroids.
saw dave matthews band live.
broke some laws.
had the best sushi in the world.

only two bad things happened:
1. i had to say goodbye
2. i may or may not have started smoking again.

save your judgement.
with everyday that passes by, i realize that i’m becoming more and more
like my dad. i’ll stop smoking again. and i’ll probably pick it up again.
and stop again. and start again. oh freaking well.

…..and now, it’s time for PHOTOS!
random order from the few weeks i’ve
neglected my poor little blog.

it’s a little chicago, san diego, san francisco, grand haven, south haven,
ann arbor, ypsilanti, yorkville…
you get the point.
















{first stop in san francisco, home of the biggest tequila shot i ever saw}

reunited.

{this is the moment i decided to buy a pack of smokes after my 8 month hiatus}

…and listen.

{SF museum of modern art}

{chinatown replacement shoes}


{to0 much coffee + sweets}




{crossing the bridge for some oakland love}

{oh, oakland}



{it said, go get a tattoo}

{…and so i did.}




{from braces to now, holding on tight.}




{happy accidents}

dave matthews band | mountain view, ca | shoreline amphitheater | 9.9.12
{oooommmmgggg}

{no no no no nooooooo!}

{…something lovely to come home to}

{fall is here}






{…my dream dog}

{ love of my life }

{ i’ll kind of sorta miss you }

{ mah best friend is getting mawwwwied. }

{ oversized sweaters | no makeup }


i had some big news in this post, did you miss it?

……………………………………

i’m in a very good place these days.
the past few weeks have been intense,
but getting away from everything + everyone for a few
days in SF really gave me an opportunity to examine my life
from afar. it’s difficult to sort shit out when you’re
in the center of it all having a meltdown.

i’ve been making amends w. people i was at odds with,
and reconnecting with my family.
it’s been really wonderful.

…my heart no longer feels like it outweighs me.

hallelujah.

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4 thoughts on “somewhere between a nervous breakdown + the happiest time of my life

  1. What a beautiful blog post…..I too am in the midst of a meltdown and trying to take every paying photo shoot possible to pay bills–yet my fiance is screaming in my ear it is not enough –I must take on another job….fear, resentment, anger, and tears have filled my plate lately and I don’t like it…..sorry for the rant–just wanted to let you know I enjoyed reading and looking at your photos. :)

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