holy crap, my friends are getting pregnant on purpose.

I’m still struggling with this whole idea of not having enough time
to do and accomplish all the things I’d like.
It was thrown back into the forefront this past 4th of July.

I never would have imagined sharing this next part
on my poor little public blog for any and all to read, but because
I had such a reservation about sharing it, I’m going to.
I like to confront the scary rather than avoid it.
…and I’ve always said that I have nothing to hide.

Pregnancy scare. Ever have one?
Last week I had a real one. I was so concerned that I actually
discussed it with my Dad and Stepmom.
Well, I actually just kind of blurted it out over a last minute dinner
fix of Taco Bell. {my nachos bell grande experience is forever changed.}
I was consumed by the scare for about a week at that point.
I had about every single pregnancy sign within that week.
Bringing it up to my father was NOT the plan.
It just came out. Unplanned. Unfiltered.

terrified and thrilled are the weirdest emotions
to feel simultaneously. Not even kidding.

We aren’t ready for a baby.
We’re not even married. Hell, we’re not even engaged, nor will we
be anytime in the very near future!
This isn’t what i had imagined for our lives.
This isn’t how I imagined having a baby.
I always imagined us trying, and trying, and finally one
day he comes home from work, and I excitedly find some cute way to
tell him that we’re pregnant.
…It’s not supposed to start while devouring a beefy 5 layer burrito
and a nachos bell grande with extra EVERYTHING (hold the beans.)
What the hell?

BUT….

It made so much sense.
Nothing about Marty & I is normal.
It would make perfect sense for this to happen because  the universe
has decided that Marty & I need to face adversity on
a semi-regular basis. HOLY SHIT.
We decided that we’d run to Walgreens in the morning to get a test.
I went to bed completely restless.
Completely convinced that our whole world would be changed
in a matter of hours. HOURS.

I was horrified.
I’m going to be a terrible mom.
I was excited.
I’m going to bring life to this world.
I was horrified.
We live with my best friend.
I was excited.
Marty would be the best dad ever.
I was horrified.
We aren’t married.
I was excited.
ummm, hello! it’s a baby!
I was horrified.
ummm, hello! it’s a baby!

{I don’t have enough life experience to be a mom.
I want to have a story for everything.
I want to be cultured and traveled.
no.no.no.no}

Starting a family is terrifying if you ask me.
But look at who’s saying this…
In my experience, family is nothing but drama.
divorce.
fighting.
more drama.
more divorce.
alcoholism.
adoption.
lies.
betrayal.
choosing sides.
selfishness.
mess.

I’ve had one constant and consistent relationship within
my family, and that’s been with my Dad.
…that statement alone has probably just created more drama.
…point made.
But this is what it is. I can’t deny the truth about how I view family,
otherwise I’m going to continue the pattern into my own life.
This family dynamic was actually even worse before my Stepdad passed away.
M E S S.
I hate it.
I hate that the idea of family is kind of frightening to me.
The feelings that most people associate with family, is what
I associate with my friends.
It would kill me if I couldn’t protect our child from
feeling something like this, and I need more time to heal my
own battle wounds, still.

So as you’ve probably guessed, there is no baby.
…I was so shocked at how much my heart ached when i saw it was negative.
I can’t really explain it, because I don’t quite understand it myself.
What I can say is this: a woman’s biological clock is real.
it ticks.
it tocks.
This makes me feel aged for the first time in my entire life.
It’s a in-your-face reminder of the phase your life is currently in.

I have friends getting pregnant on purpose.

Dear time,
please slow your roll.

…………………………………………………….

I shall end with some photos.
Duh.

I am finding myself being very attached to my Instagrams.
They are becoming some of my most favorite photographs.
They are so in the moment, and that’s the bottom line of my life.
….always, always, always allow yourself to be in the moment.
And these are those moments, and the feelings I felt when taking them
are so fleeting and wonderful, I just love them.



{photo taken by panch}

{always such a difficult decision}






{who needs to pay for advertising when
your friends are out there eavesdropping on strangers’
conversations and promoting you?}
C-Farr, you da bomb for this!

Oh, and I’m still smoke free.
Heck yes.
{…and my unbitten nails for 3 months are
almost long enough for my first real manicure}
#nothingicantdo

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One thought on “holy crap, my friends are getting pregnant on purpose.

  1. beautiful post. i agree that sometimes the things we are apprehensive to share are worth sharing- just to get it out there. thanks for sharing your intimate account of such a personal thing! i can relate to you in some ways! slow slow slow down time……

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