i’m dizzy from all that’s spinning

Wicked Tuna.

If you aren’t watching this show, you’re missing out.
First off, I should preface this post by letting y’all know that
one of the Top 3 items on my bucket list happens
to be deep sea fishing.
I have this undying need to catch a fish that is at least
twice the size of me.
For all of you who just thought well that’s not very big,
screw you.
Anyhow, what I’m telling you is that these shows
{Wicked Tuna, Swords: Life on the line, Deadliest Catch, etc}
are freaking amazeballs. My heart literally races when the
line starts pulling and they all run and start hauling these sea monsters in.
Sure, I can’t get enough of the Real Housewives but these fishing
shows are filling a void for me quite well for the time being.
I need to start planning (and working out my arms) my deep sea fishing trip.
It’s time.

Speaking of the Real Housewives….
I stupidly got into these shows a couple years ago.
It’s like a car wreck. You just have to see what these crazy
women are going to do next to embarrass themselves.
I also like to watch Alexis on the Orange County one because she
reaffirms that someone I know and who behaves just like
her is the crazy one, not me.
It’s almost scary how delusional Alexis is.
I’m not allowed to watch these shows when Marty is around.
This should be my queue to STOP watching. Whoops.

…………………………………..

These days, I find myself stuck on Struggle Street.
My anxiety level is that of a chihuahua, but there is nothing
I can do about it and people are struggling to realize that.
When I take ME time, some other photographer is answering
a bride’s email, returning a phone call or setting up a meeting
that could have been mine.
Nothing aggravates me more than getting an instant email back
saying, “Thank you for your inquiry, someone will get back to you
within 24 hours.” Screw that. I’ll find someone who will
give me answers right away!
This is what happens when you start and run a business.
Your ME time and work become one.
Perhaps this is the crazy side of me, so be it.
Things get done, people get answers and business is constantly moving forward.
BAMphoto doesn’t sleep between the hours of 5:45am and midnight.
I’ll get some time for myself when I can afford to hire an
assistant to help me. Until then, it’s all on me.

It’ll probably be this way forever, because Lord knows I’ll be
impossible to work for. I need a robot as an assistant.
I can’t sugar coat that I’m a nutcase.
Whoever I hire will quickly realize that I’m crazy and bail.
I need to find someone like Julie (Bethenny Frankel’s asssistant}
By the way, I freaking love Bethenny.
Everytime I watch her show, it’s like watching my own
life play out on television. It’s a fascinating experience.
I have one of three reactions:
-Oh shit, that’s me!
-Hell yeah, that’s me!
-Yep, that’s Marty & I!

I love when people tell me that I remind them of her {especially
when it’s aimed at me in a business sense} because Bethenny
took the business world by the balls and hasn’t loosened her grip!
I will always want my work to evolve on a artistic level, but
I can’t deny the excitement that comes with the business aspect of this.
I am learning so much about myself, about numbers, about marketing…
tools that you can’t learn in college…tools that you learn from experience.
from risk.
from experimenting.
…oh, and from crying your face off every once in awhile.
This stuff isn’t easy. I wasn’t listening very well when multiple
people warned me about this.
A couple weeks ago, I had a serious meltdown. I was crying
in Marty’s lap because I was overwhelmed, terrified and felt
like I was screwing everything up.
I was trying to convince Marty that I wasn’t cut out for this.
That I was going to screw this whole thing up royally.
He wasn’t buying a single word of it! I love him for that.
He simply helped come up with solutions to resolves issues.
I had a memory card go missing.
Of course, it wasn’t REALLY missing.
I always panic about the worst case scenario first.
It’s difficult to KNOW that eventually, something will get screwed up.
It’s not knowing WHEN or HOW that’s difficult.
You try to take active steps everyday to ensure that you won’t miss a beat,
but we’re human. We make mistakes.

The problem with this for me, is that I’ve DATED more mistakes
than I’ve made. And the mistakes I do make, have been small because I
haven’t had anything to lose until I accidentally started this business.
The possible mistakes I could make for BAMphoto feel monumental
because I care about it…a lot.

This is so much more than buying all the right
stuff and calling yourself a business.
Failure isn’t an option because it would devastate me.
I accidentally started a career.
But I purposely give a shit. everyday.

{forgive the cussing and for the ex boyfriend dig. it slipped.}

I’m not sorry for the ex boyfriend dig.

On a high note!
BAMphoto is in a place I never could have imagined.
I just got back from photographing a dream wedding
in Arizona. Check out the blog and look at the photos here!
So amazing.
In the next year, I will travel to California, Mexico and
Jamaica to photograph weddings.
WHAT??? Yep.
…And on top of all the crazy, I still have time for my own personal
work. I am applying for an upcoming exhibition next week!

If you love what you do, you’re always doing what you love.

………………………………..

I’ll end this by telling you that Marty just walked through the door!
He wants to take me on a lunch date before I
head to the mitten tonight!
How did a gal like me ever get so damn lucky?

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One thought on “i’m dizzy from all that’s spinning

  1. We don’t know each other, but I randomly stumbled on your blog about a year ago and I just have to tell you that it has been very cool to watch your growth. This is probably a little weird but I just have found all of your posts so interesting. The way you write is natural rather than too thought out. The experiences you have are real and you’re not afraid to share them. Well, maybe you are afraid to share them but you do anyways. It is more than obvious that what you do comes from a pure and passionate place in your heart. Your drive is inspirational and your dedication is surprising from someone your age during this day and age. Hmph, I feel old just saying that! He! He! You will find success in whatever you do because you won’t settle for anything less, and that’s an astounding quality to have. I also think that you and your boyfriend, Marty are incredibly strong as a couple and I commend you both for not giving up on each other when others your age would be quick to do just that. I hope this message isn’t too creepy! I’m old enough to be your mother and just feel as though it’s my duty to send some words of encouragement to someone who seems to be very self critical!

    Bravo!

    Susan Delaney

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