I take baths with a butcher knife.

It’s been a _______ couple of years.
And by _______, I mean:

long
scary
wild
treacherous
fun
exciting
terrifying
rough
empowering
life changing
eye opening
exhilarating
crazy
exhausting
tough
etc.
etc.

We have come full circle.
Two years later, we’re back to who we were when
we first met…only we’re stronger, smarter,
our skin is thicker, and we’re a little bruised but
we’re better. We’re better.
As of this week, he’s behind the bar again and more charming than ever.
My Dad & I went to see him last night and as soon
as I laid eyes on him, I could see the change.
You could see it in his eyes.
Hear it in his voice.
It was an undeniable shift in his aura.
A serious weight has been lifted off of him.
Off of me.
Off of us.

……………

A couple nights ago, I had the scare of a lifetime.
It appears that if I take any kind of medication that causes
drowsiness, my body reacts to it oppositely.
I become restless, irritable, crampy and grumpy.
So the only thing that soothes this is to hop in a hot bath.
So I did.
Turned on Pandora, and I’m texting Josh and all of the sudden
over the running water, I hear our back door slam shut.
Within .5 seconds, I am frantic.
My heart is beating so fast I can hear it in my ears.
So I wait.
…and when I don’t hear anything for a few mins, I attempt
to get off the bathtub like a ninja.
As if water drips are going to grab the killers attention more
than Dave Matthews Band or the running water?
Yeah.
And of course, I do exactly what you yell at the dumb actress NOT to do,
which is throw a towel on and investigate.
It’s always the naked girl in the movies who dies first, too.
I’m doomed.
Lovely.
At this point, I’ve pumped myself up for a fight.
I might not survive, but whoever is going to attack
me is going to be hurting when they leave.
I make it to the kitchen with no mishaps.
I then convince myself that I’m hearing things.
I’m super paranoid about the dark, about being home
alone, about intruders, etc.
You crazy B, you didn’t hear anything, I say to myself…
but not before I grab a knife and walk back to the bathroom.
Just in case I wasn’t hearing something.
Poor Josh,

Me: Are you home?
Josh: Leaving work in a minute. Might grab food w. Michael.
Me: Dude. I’m in the bath. I just heard our back door slam.
Marty isn’t here. Christy isn’t here. WTF
Josh: omfg

The longest 15 mins of my life go by while I sit in the bathtub
awaiting someone to come barreling through the door…
Marty calls….

Hey babe, I got all the way here and realized I left
my phone at work. So I just came in and left right away…
Marty, I’m going to kill you.
I heard the door slam. Why didn’t you let me know it was you?
Well, I didn’t know who was in the bathroom, I just heard
the water running and assumed that maybe you & Christy went
out for a drink and that it was Josh in the bathroom.

So it turns out that there will not be an episode of
Law & Order depicting my brutal murder.
But folks, IF something horrific ever happens to me,
please make sure that you do suggest it to Dick Wolf.
Don’t feel bad.
It’s my favorite show, and it would be an honor.
Yep, I went there.

Oh, and I also deemed this an appropriate time to
Instagram. Check out that dedication Mark Zuckerberg!


………………………………

So this is Heidi, our cat.
Cats don’t really get more perfect than her.
She’s a snuggler, a lover, and she has the cutest
meow in the world.
She used to be double the size too.
Her stomach would hang to the floor and drag.
We started noticing her weight loss over the past year or so and finally took her
in to the vet 2 weeks ago.
He believes that Heidi has a disease called Feline Infectious Peritonitis.
Layman’s Terms: this flipping sucks.
Cats don’t live very long once they get this disease, but there also
isn’t a definitive test for it either.
Layman’s Terms: this REALLY flipping sucks.
They say eventually her abdomen will fill with fluid and she’ll
begin to suffer…………..this kills us.
Especially because we’ll never really know until she starts
telling us that she’s hurting.

Please pray for our cat or do whatever it is that you
do when other people need positive vibes.
My gut says that the doctors are wrong, but that’s probably
because I’m not so sure that we could handle losing her.
Buh.
………………………………..

So, this is my mom.

This is probably a shock to a lot of you…
A few months ago, I decided that I didn’t want to live
the rest of my life wondering if we could have resolved our
issues….so I decided that the only way to ensure that
I wouldn’t have such a regret, was to jump back in
and give it another go.
So far, it’s been good. It’s been tricky
on my end because of how sensitive I am but I think I’ve done
a really good job of being honest, and open.
It’s a lot harder than I anticipated because I can be somewhat of a
grudge holder.
Lies.
I have a really hard time bouncing back from negativity.
So it’s been a little wild for me. I have my reservations
but I feel like that year of silence spoke volumes to her.
And to me.
It’s been interesting to see how much we’ve changed in that year.
Hoping that we stay on this path and can really rebuild a good
relationship as mother and daughter.
Eventually we’ll have to sit down and hash out the big stuff,
but for now I think it’s important to gain a solid foundation.
…………………………………..

Happy to report once again that my photo life is splendid.
The random messages, texts and calls from friends, family and even
from people I haven’t spoken to in a long time reinforce that my doubts
in myself are silly. I’m always going to be hard
on myself, there’s no doubt about that…but these kinds
of messages and words of praise will always be one of the
reasons that I’ll never stop loving what I do, and how I do it.
I’m so seriously grateful for the support from the people in my life.

I try to acknowledge the greatness in someone every single day.
Because I know how good it feels to receive messages/emails/texts/calls
from people who love what you do.
People need to do this more often.
What we put out into this world, we get right back in some form.
If you don’t believe this, or act on this on a regular basis then
I believe that you need to reevaluate your life.
It doesn’t even have to be on some epic level…
I started doing this in 2009 and I started with my friend Kat…
and I just sent her a little facebook message and told her that
I thought she was the most amazing mother for someone her age…
Hey Kat, I still think you’re the most incredible mother.

Support your friends family.
Don’t just assume that they know you support them.
Compliment someone you haven’t talked to in awhile.
Let go of a grudge you’ve been holding onto.
Compliment a stranger.
Go out of your way to make someone else feel good.
Pay it forward when it happens to you.
This task is so easy today with texting, facebook, etc…
it will takes 30 seconds out of your day to make
someone’s ENTIRE day wonderful.


………………………………..

my new nerdy glasses.
this is the very beginning of the crazy that will stem
from the spectacles i wear.

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