living | quitting | hesitating

I was driving back to the city the other day…
Stuck in gridlock traffic, per usual.
Pandora deemed this an appropriate time to shuffle in a
tear-jerkin’, one-hit-wonder from when I was a kid.
“Graduation (friends forever)” by Vitamin C.
You all know it, and can deny it all you want but
you know that it kinda makes your eyes water too.
It did back then, and it would today.

There was a line in the song that’s really yanked at my
heart for the past couple days.
“And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we’re gonna be when we turn 25...”

When you’re a mere 14 years old, 25 does seem as though
it’s a lifetime away. It was an age that you could
barely wrap your mind around because you still
didn’t have your driver’s license.
you weren’t in high school.
you were still shopping at Gap KIDS.
you hadn’t fallen in love.
you hadn’t fallen out of love.
you secretly smoked cigarettes behind tennis courts.
{you didn’t even know how to inhale}
you hadn’t worn high heels.
you didn’t wear makeup.
all you knew was that high school was going to be crazy,
and you were making vows with your friends to never
let anything come between you in high school.

I wanted to be a lawyer.
A NASCAR driver.
A business woman.
Entrepreneur.
A detective.
A lawyer again.
A photographer.
A stay at home mom.
A world traveler.

So now, I sit here.
…just an Oberon, myself & my thoughts.
Analyzing why turning 27 has me feeling so anxious
and nauseous this year.
.
.
.
.

Hesitation.
I hesitate too much.
I think too much.
I spend too much time thinking of the reasons
NOT to do what I want to do rather than just throwing
caution to the wind and doing it.
How much harm could a long weekend in San Francisco do?
How terrible would it be to go home to Michigan for a weekend
and NOT work?
Would it be so bad to trade groceries for polaroid film for a week?

Money takes the fun out of everything.
Especially my job…especially lately.
I’m meeting the most fantastic couples and families.
They are so fantastic that I think about our sessions and the upcoming
weddings so much that I nearly have everything planned out
in my head well before it’s even approaching…
but then we have to discuss fees and money.
…And my soul literally leaves my body.

I would do this for free in an instant if I didn’t have bills to pay.
Can’t I find a job Monday through Thursday that would
pay the bills? And just work for whatever people
could afford? Or nothing at all?
Yeah, in La La Land.
Someone tell me how to get there.

So back to turning 27….

“Life is too short” has become such a household cliche that I feel like
people say it, but don’t even realize what they’re saying anymore.
Every year that goes by, the voice in my head that says that,
gets louder and louder.
We are gifted with a miniscule amount of time on this earth.
One lifetime, let’s say 85 years, is like
the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.
It’s not nearly enough.
And 85? That’s if we’re lucky.

I hesitate too much.
I talk myself out of things.
I wait for approval. Whose? I have no _______ idea.
My own, I suppose.
buh.
I’m going to begin going out of my way to do
what I want to do.

If that means that I have to eat Ramen noodles for two months
so I can buy an airline ticket and polaroid film, I’m gonna.
I’m going to Michigan in June, and I’m not booking a single job.
I’m going to drink wheat beers on patios, BBQ
and laugh until my stomach hurts with my best friends.
If I have to work a few extra jobs to make up for
buying a 4×5 view camera, then I will.

We can’t sit around, always waiting for a better time.
a better scenario.
better is happening.
with or without us.
Be responsibly irresponsible.
Live.
Now.

………………………….

Oberon is back.
And for the first time since 07|08-ish it’s finally
a good batch. Its foggy, fruity and it’s a perfect
piece of home.
Beer store across the street promises to keep ordering it.
{i promised it wouldn’t stay on the shelf long}

Where the hell have 10 weeks gone?
Cravings have ceased for the most part.
I never imagined that I would go days without even thinking
about cigarettes. I still can’t believe that people
smoking around me doesn’t trigger anything.
#notcomplaining

…and because of this,
I’ll have many more days of walking with my Peanut.
{teaching her to dance to whitney houston in the street.}

i was going to leave out business in this but i can’t…
business is so amazeballs right now that
i can barely contain myself.
something clicked.
it’s all moving in the direction that i once
feared it wouldn’t. the opportunities that are presenting
themselves are so incredible that i really do need to check
in the morning to make sure that i wasn’t just dreaming.
i’m learning that i’m capable of a lot more than
i’ve ever given myself credit for.
it’s self discovery on a new level.
…makes me wanna dance.

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