“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”

Went with a friend to see a small show at
this really quaint and cozy restaurant on Sunday…
I have never done anything like that before,
which surprises me because music is me.
Music is my heartbeat.
Anyhow, it was amazing. The performers
were humble and grateful to the 15 people
in the room listening to them and loving them.
I couldn’t help but notice one of the performers feet…
because what was happening to him, happens
to me when I listen to a song that really
hits the spot….
It’s like lightning bolts coming through
your toes. The music goes right in your ears
and straight out of your feet.
I love that. I appreciate people who
experience it that way as well.
Music is the only thing in this world
that I feel more passionate about than photography.
Forgive this cliche, but music speaks to me
like nothing else in this world can.
I have a song for every memory.
It’s real. It says everything I can’t.
My next big project will be an attempt to
combine both of these passions…
I just haven’t figured out a way to
do that just yet.
……………………………….

The past week has been a big learning experience
for me. Very difficult. Some of my
relationships have changed entirely.
Some for the better, some not so much.
It’s a really weird place to be after
things being somewhat constant and “regular”
for so long.
It’s really uncomfortable.
It’s like getting to know a stranger.
What’s been the hardest part for me, is
having to set the family issues aside.
I need to focus right now. I have a lot
of life changing things on my plate
and I have to put all of my energy and focus into
those things. But it’s hard to focus with all
of this chaos happening.
Hopefully there will be some resolution in the next
few hours. One can only hope.
I feel like there’s been a death in my family.
I guess in a weird way there has been.
Deciding that you can no longer allow
a parent to be in your life is brutal.
For those of you shaking your heads in dismay…
I envy you. I envy that you can’t imagine
being in my shoes. You don’t know
what it’s like to be hurt that much by a parent,
and for that, you should be grateful.
I can’t live another second pretending like
my family doesn’t have some serious issues.
They’re flawed. I’m flawed.
We’re all flawed.
But I’m done crying.
…………………….
School took a backseat to EVERYTHING this
week, and that was a poor decision on my part.
Now I’m behind, feeling really overwhelmed.
I feel like I ruined this semester.
It’s a similar feeling I got when I finally
called my Grandparents last week….
It had been so long (3.5 months) that everyday
when I’d think about it, I’d decide not to call
because it had been so long….and the hole gets
deeper. At some point, the damage is done
and you just have to grow a pair and do it.
Rip the bandaid off.
Luckily, I have the most amazing Grandmother
in the world. She knew exactly what
I was trying to say and completely understood.
My Grandpa on the other hand, didn’t want
to talk to me. That was really hard to
swallow…but I know that he’s hurt that
my mom & I aren’t speaking.
I know its breaking his heart.
I hope that at some point he can at the very least,
just accept that I’m an adult and will
make decisions based on what I feel
is best for me.
Again, one can only hope.
I do have an extremely stubborn and
one track minded Grandfather.
….oh, the patterns.
Back to original topic:
I feel like I’m never going to get caught up.
I have a lot of work to do.
……………………..
The Nostalgia Show is on Friday evening.
Marty helped me install the pieces this weekend.
It’s hard for me to judge them.
I can say that I walked away pleased once
they were hung.
I hope that my message is conveyed to viewers.
Very excited for my family and friends
to be there to support me and to
actually see that their support has
helped me launch myself
into a different world of art.
Maybe this will ease any thoughts
of me just being a smelly, broke & suicidal
artist. I promise,  that I will avoid
these 3 stereotypes. Ha!
…………………………………
People falling asleep in class or
at a party is so weird to me.
I have never been a victim of this,
but aren’t you afraid of your professor
humiliating you? Or your friends
sharpie-ing your face?
I’ve never been a victim of these things
because the fear of it
happening keeps me awake, and during those
days, sober enough.
I’m not a fan of compromising situations.
Watching the professor eye this girl next to me
who is sleeping is giving me anxiety. You can
tell that he’s cooking up something.
I’m typing loudly so that she doesn’t conk out
completely.
……………………………….
I need to get this feeling back.
I feel like I haven’t laughed in weeks.
I saw this photo the other day and it made
me so sad. Everything just feels so sad
lately.
I think friday night’s events will be
a good pick-me-up.
If nothing else, a boost to a shattered
ego should do the trick huh?
……………………….

Lastly,
finances are telling me that Ireland
is a no-go.
….I think finances can kiss my ass.
I’m going.
I will find a way to get the money I need.
If you’d like to make a donation to
the “Britt needs to flee the country for 3 weeks
to make beautiful photographs and regain her sanity”
fund, I am accepting.

Slán agat!

(google it.)

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