I couldn’t have named it better myself…

The Beautiful Struggle.
Struggle definitely fits.
Beautiful? Probably once the temperature
in my veins comes down from being able to set
anything in my path ablaze.

The past 48 hours have rocked my world to the core.
It’s been a living nightmare.
…And it’s not even over.
Years of pent up, unspoken, unresolved and
misunderstood assortments of feelings are
coming to the surface on all fronts.
WWIII is here people…hide yo wife! hide yo kids!
(excuse the poor timing of comic relief.)
I feel misunderstood.
Every word.
Every move.
Every decision.
I have decided that for the sake of my sanity,
my happiness and my future as a person,
a friend, a girlfriend/wife and artist
that it is time to accept the reality I’ve been
ignoring and move past it.
If this wasn’t the right decision, I wouldn’t feel
so strongly about it. I regret nothing.
Every good and bad decision I have ever made
has made me into the person I am today…
A student at a prominent art school.
A 3+ year girlfriend.
A small business creator.
An artist.
A good friend.
…And flawed, damaged & jaded.
I can’t be too far off track, right?
The worst trouble I’ve ever been in is getting
caught with my ex’s mary-jane when I was 17 by a parent.
I trust my intuition.
I trust what my heart says.
…And since no one can walk in my shoes,
that’s the only thing I can count on that will
be best for me.
I’ve been classified as a person who runs from
everything…I thought the same thing until I began to
dissect that classification today…
The first time I “ran-away” from home I
was in 5th grade when I realized that my home was no longer
a safe and drug free environment. I told my dad during
a weekend visit and next thing I knew, I was living
in California and out of the situation.
I never classified that as running away.
What would you have done as a 10 year old?
The second time I ran-away was a true running
away situation…I was 16, my dad was traveling
a lot for business, I was fighting with my
Stepmom constantly. I was miserable.
The easy way out was to hop on a train to Ann Arbor
and live with my Mom again after not seeing her for 7 years.
I didn’t say bye to anyone except my best friend
at the time…When my Stepmom left to pick
my little brother up from school, I booked it
down the street with no clothes, no money…
just a bag full of Walgreens envelopes with
all my photo negatives.
My best friends Mom gave
me $40 to get to Union Station along
with the change jar I emptied out in my parents’ bedroom.
Poor decision on my part, especially in hindsight.
(Leaving, not the photo negatives or change jar theft.)
If I had known then what I would go through,
I may have thought that through differently.
Nah, I still would have gone…once I set my mind
to something, it’s happening.
Hmmm…and then last year, Marty & I moved back
to Chicago so that I could attend school…
That’s not running away. At least not by
my definition, what do you think?
Feel free to criticize…
It’s been brought to my attention that all 700 something
of you viewers don’t call me out enough.
If you find any of my blog posts to be BS,
please share :)

These days, I run-away from things when
I begin to catch myself preparing to say something
that immediately following, I will regret.
I’ll hangup the phone or leave the situation
completely. You can’t take back your words.
They can’t be undone.
Perhaps this makes me coward,
but I’d prefer that over saying something that
will only make me feel better until it actually
comes spewing out of my mouth.
I learned my lesson personally and through
others experiences with diarrhea of the mouth.

I see a reality television series in my future.

I suppose some of my sarcasm
is a defense mechanism to disguise
some of the anguish and sadness
I feel today.
Someone once said to me,
“I envy your fancy life.”
I don’t want people to think that my life is
fancy or easy all the time.
It’s not. It’s really not.
I’m am semi jaded.
Things are hard. I struggle.
Sometimes I don’t know how I’m going
to afford my half of rent.
Sometimes I don’t have cash so I tell cab drivers
that all I have is a credit card and they
get mad and give me a free ride because
they hate credit cards.
Sometimes I feel so alone even when
I’m surrounded by a crowd of people.
Sometimes I think the lady that approved my
college application was stoned.
Sometimes I wait for the moment where Marty
says he can’t deal with my rollercoaster life.
Sometimes I cry in the shower because
I just need a good cry and the water
washes it away and it’s like it never happened
by the time I get out.
Sometimes I think I was adopted or switched
at birth because I don’t fit in with my brothers.
I’m scared that I’ll be a horrible wife and mother someday.
I pretend like I hate our cats because
they love Marty more than me.
I’m insecure sometimes.
My self image is twisted.
My life is not fancy.
It’s full of great things and people…
and its full of tears, hardship and obstacles.
But it’s good.
It’s mine.

…until we meet again.


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